Friday, October 9, 2009

Cleaning House

I know some people for whom cleaning can be a form of therapy.  They enjoy it and often do it when they start to feel blue.  I am the opposite! I think cleaning house is the worst possible thing I can do for my depression. 
  • Nothing makes me feel more inadquate as a wife ... heck as a woman, period! I sweep the dining room and then stare at the pile of dirt, dog hair, feathers, and dust and think about how a "good wife" would sweep daily (or more) and this stuff wouldn't pile up!
  • Because I have severe allergies to dust and mold, cleaning makes me feel bad physically (itchy eyes, headache) which does nothing positive for my mood or disposition.
  • I start to think that I wish we could afford to re-hire the cleaning lady - which in turn leads to me thinking about other things I miss about life when we didn't really have to worry about money
  • Then I start to feel incredibly guilty because 1)we have MUCH more than many people, 2)I hate feeling materialistic, 3)What entitles me to feel like I deserve to have someone else clean my house? Many, many people work a full time job and go to school part time PLUS have other commitments and/or children, and they manage to keep their house clean - why can't I? (which goes back to the inadequacy as a wife)
  • In addition to feeling like a crappy wife, it makes me think I don't deserve to have children because I can't even keep my house clean when it's just me and Chris - what am I going to do when there are kids making extra messes?
  • Which leads me into thinking about all the other things that I barely keep on top of without children - what's going to happen when (if) I have kids - can I do everything that needs to be done and still have time to enjoy and love them?
My neighbors' two youngest kids spent the night with me night before last.  Yesterday while they were eating breakfast, I started to sweep the kitchen.  The almost-5-year-old girl said to me "Why don't you ever vacuum? Your floor is very dirty.  My mommy vacuums all the time."  To which I replied - well, I do vacuum but you see we have two dogs and a bird and you guys don't, so there are lots of dog hairs and feathers on the floor which makes it look dirtier" - but inside I'm thinking - that's no excuse! Why can't I keep my floor clean? A few minutes later, as I am sweeping a cobweb down from the corner, she asks "What are you doing?" I told her I was sweeping and she says "My mommy just sweeps on the floor - not on the walls and the ceiling" and I think to myself that if I cleaned more often, my house wouldn't have cobwebs!!

Anyway, I just wanted to share - cleaning house SUCKS!

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